smol girl with big thoughts

i luv you, mum

ive always had a complicated relationship with our family but especially with you.

since high school, i have split ways with you and gone on my independent journey.

even though we have always lived in the same household, it somehow feels like we live on opposite sides of the globe.

ive only recently realised the pain that i have given you over all these years and i am sorry.

i think for me i thought it was normal for teenagers to grow away from their parents. normal but not justifiable. i thought it was just how life kind of was.

you would always tell me off for going out or not being at home or not helping you out. i think those were the main things that were on repeat.

it was only yesterday i realised i was wrong. when we argued, i realised you had made an effort to understand me and compromise for me. you tried and steer clear from my life as i never gave an interest in spending time with you.

i remember last year, i told you off.

i basically told you we live different and separate lives and you realistically cant expect me to always be home or do what you want.

i have noticed over time you have been more lenient with me going out. you don’t tell me off as often and somewhat accept the fact we would never be close.

even though you gave me my space and let me do what i wanted. you never stopped caring for me and helping me out. shame on me for taking you for granted.

it hurts me to know that i forced you so far away from me and couldn’t even see what i was doing. i forced you to let me be independent which is what i always wanted but i didn’t realise how it was hurting you.

i want to be independent but not like this.

i have always struggled to show the love and affection you deserve. i have always seen family as a strange concept and used to believe i was just born into this family and that was all there was to it. but recently i realised it was more than this and wanted to make the most of it.

i don't know how to explain this to you, but this is really hard for me to express my love for you. for some reason, i can easily tell my boyfriend i love him or give my friends a hug but this is something else. it must hurt to see me so close to these other people when you were the one that raised my and gave me the life i have now.

i have never been able to say ‘i love you’ to your face. maybe when i was tiny, but i don’t remember any of it.

i used to not feel love towards you, i didn’t feel hate either. maybe at times resentment but i think i have passed that. i do love you and i want to be able to tell you and mean it.

i went into this year wanting to strengthen my relationship with you as i have realised we were basically like strangers but i called you 'mum'.

but now i see i have a lot more to work on and it may not be that easy.

i hope you can be patient with me while i try to be the best daughter i can possibly be.

i am currently in one of the busiest times of my life, struggling with balancing work and uni which makes me feel like it’s impossible to add you into my days.

i used to think when i graduated and got a full-time job, i would spoil you and dad and we could go on holiday. i even thought for the longest time i would only be close to you when i moved out as i wouldnt see you every day and would appreciate you more. i still believe this is true.

that may be true but then i realised why do i need to wait 3 years for me to enjoy spending time with you. why am i putting this on hold? this doesn’t need to be a long-term goal, when i can start now.

i can try and spend small amounts of time with you each day. i cant promise every single day i will be able to do this.

but hopefully, these small gestures are something you can appreciate and show how grateful i am for you.

so this is where i start now.

this is my promise to you.

i will try my best to involve you more in my life and be as transparent as possible. i want to voluntarily spend time with you and for us to enjoy it. i know we will always have disagreements but i know it is because you care. i will be more considerate and grateful for what you do for me. i hope from now on i only put smiles on your face.

this is important to me. you are important to me.